First story
The way I came out to my mother was very odd somehow. It’s like she assumed something because at one point when I had broken up with my male partner, she started making jokes and asking if I’d have a girlfriend next. I don’t know why she asked it because until then I had only been in relationships with men and we had never discussed relationships from this angle before.
In another moment of joking around, I took my courage in both hands and told my mother that, you know, my next partner actually will be a woman. I still remember the moment I said it. It was late spring, the trees were green and the sun shone into the room and my heart was fluttering for a long time after I said it. After that sentence, my mother was quiet and then asked if I was telling the truth, to which I said yes, I was.
I don’t know what my mother feels in her heart, but I believe that what she displays is the reality. She’s had her own journey in this regard and there have been things that she doesn’t understand, but she’s been very supportive. It has largely been easier on her because of my partner who she really likes. She looks at us from the sidelines and has said that she’s glad I’m happy. Even if it’s with another woman.
Second story
My coming out went really smoothly somehow. I was around 25. I remember that I was sitting in the car with my father and he, as usual, was making future plans for me. And then he said: ’You’re going to find a man, you’re going to move in with each other, finish renovating the apartment…’ He didn’t get any further because I cut in and said: ‘But maybe I’ll find a woman?’ To which my father only huffed: ‘A woman then, what does it matter, but you’re finally going to finish the renovations.’ What else is there to say other than my father had his priorities straight. Still does.
Third story
My father died a few years ago and unfortunately I never had the chance to talk to him more in depth about me liking women. But based on his behaviour and the little talks we had, I can say pretty confidently that he supported me. Although I knew that my father was definitely supportive, I didn’t dare to come out to him expressly. It was uncomfortable somehow. I had my mother do it.
My mother and I argued for a week about who had to do it. I won and my mother told my father herself. But the day I told my father I was engaged to my partner, I saw pure joy in his face, from which I assume that I have his support. And he really liked to make daughter-in-law jokes. Every time my mother came to visit me or my brother in town, my father asked her to give his greetings to the daughters-in-law.
Fourth story
The first time I told my mother about my same-sex partner was on the phone while discussing travel plans. Since she’s a mother and has a sixth sense, she recognised from my voice that I was in love and asked in Russian who he was (male ‘он’). When I replied that it was ‘она’ (she), there was a little pause, after which came a comical and slightly exaggerated worried question whether I really had to fly to America.
My partner and mother met for the first time on Mother’s Day when we were already married. Ever since that day, I’ve been interpreting for them how they consider each other cute and seen how my mother hugs my wife more and giggled as my mother leaps into the room, says ‘I love you’ in her accent and then runs off again. As we were celebrating Thanksgiving in the American way, my mother said that she was grateful last year when Sarah was granted a residence permit.
Fifth story
I was most afraid to tell my grandmother about my registered partnership. I thought maybe she wouldn’t understand. And so I kept putting it off until the moment I decided I wouldn’t tell her anything at all. My fear had simply grown so big.
One day, however, I got a call from my brother who said he wanted to talk to me. So my partner and I set off to my brother’s, who gave us a long lecture that we needed to tell our grandmother too. I threw up my hands and told my brother that he has to tell her himself then because I’d probably faint. This wasn’t a problem for him.
One day he went to our grandmother’s and gave it to her straight that I was a lesbian and my flatmate was actually my partner. To which my grandmother replied that she may be old, but she’s not stupid. She figured it out a long time ago and she’s okay with it as long as we don’t get married. My brother then decided not to immediately mention the registered partnership. But around 20 minutes later he told her about that as well.
Although this was probably the moment that required the most adjustment for my grandmother, she was okay with that too. And she asked my brother to tell us that we were cowards and if we wanted her to come to our registration then we’d have to invite her ourselves, in person.
So I had no choice but to go to grandmother’s one day and invite her to our day. Of course she agreed to come, but at the door she shouted after me: ‘Both of you are highly educated women, but you send your brother to pull your chestnuts out of the fire, you cowards!’
Sixth story
My coming out to my family happened quite randomly. I guess everyone actually realised back when I had my first boyfriend that he wasn’t just an acquaintance, but there was no public introduction. However, my second partner and I have a tradition of sending postcards home when travelling. So, on another trip abroad, we sent home a postcard in which, in addition to the weather, we described our feelings quite openly.
However, it arrived before we did and my grandmother who was looking after the home that time found the card. Her only comment was: ‘I’m aware.’ From then on, joint birthdays, Christmas celebrations and everything else were an absolutely natural part of our relationship.
True, after coming out publicly and a bit of media hype regarding an LGBTI event I organised, my other grandmother did have an issue. To her question about how she was supposed to get bread from the store now, I replied quite rationally and coldly, ‘the same way as before’. She did. And still does.
Seventh story
When I told my mother about my first serious partner, I was quite nervous. I started talking about it indirectly and of course there were tears. My mother’s face fell more and more the further I got with my speech. While I kept talking, I thought, oh my goodness, this cannot end well. When I eventually said that I was living with someone and she was a woman, she exclaimed: ‘Thank God! I thought you were dying! You really need to work on your storytelling skills.’
My parents have repeatedly said that they’re happy when I’m happy. And I am. They’ve had their journey, but so have I. As a result, our relationship is much closer and more open.
The article was written based on the website of the Estonian LGBT Association.
The Estonian LGBT Association is a non-profit organisation working for the benefit of LGBT+ people (lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender people and people of other types of sexual and gender identities and expression).
