I want to share my story to show how important it is to look after your mental health and acknowledge when something is wrong and needs attention.
I have been rather anxious my whole life. I was constantly overthinking different situations, feared new places and situations and rarely left my comfort zone. Everything changed when I moved to another city after upper secondary school and started a new chapter of my life. After just a few weeks in the new city, my vision for the future started to collapse: I was seriously questioning my choice of university and decided to drop out only one month in. This experience made me feel worthless and incompetent. I forced myself to attend school and repeatedly tried to convince myself that I liked it there. The whole situation was so anxiety-inducing that I ended up fainting at school and was suffering from migraine attacks at home.
Once I dropped out, I decided to work for the rest of the year and go back to university the following year. I worked two jobs which meant 50–60 working hours per week. By the end of the year, I was burnt out, abusing alcohol and other drugs that further worsened my anxiety. The situation changed when I had an extremely traumatic experience which left me in a state of shock for months. Even though I reduced the workload, my anxiety was still severe, lasting all day: I had panic attacks several times a week and only slept 3 to 4 hours at night due to sleep paralysis. I was tense all the time and thought that everyone was talking about me and looking at me. I was only going to and coming home from work, avoiding everything else. I remember coming home crying after grocery shopping one time and the worst part is, I didn’t even know why I was crying. When I was with my friends, I was always positive and smiling because I wanted to forget about everything that was on my mind when I was home alone.
One of the hardest periods was when I sought help and support from friends. The ones I turned to didn’t know how to support me or were too busy to do so, which made me feel like there was nothing that could help me. Since I didn’t seek help from anywhere else, I continued to work even more and tried to forget my problems by partying. This whole situation seemed so unbelievable; I would never have thought that my mental illness could control my whole life. I was always of the opinion that I was very strong-willed and could conquer anything. At one point, I was quite distraught and thought how it is possible that I cannot conquer this. I hated where I lived so much that when I left the city and came back my hands started to shake uncontrollably, and I cried for days without ever leaving the bed.
Everything changed the following September when I enrolled in university in another town. I immediately realised that the new environment, new people, and an area of study which I was interested in had a positive effect on me. The new city had a slower pace of life, my newly found friends listened to me and supported me, and after a long time I could feel my anxiety start to subside. However, in stressful situations my anxiety got worse again. At one point, I realised that if I don’t address this issue, my anxiety is only going to get worse. I read self-help books, joined a mental health organisation, and completed training sessions which helped me and allowed me to help others. I finally felt content because I was in a supportive environment and I started to feel grateful for everything that I have been given. While I have not conquered my illness, I have learned to manage it in my day-to-day life. I have made it here! To the point in my life where, despite my mental health issues, I am actively going to university and participating in the work of five organisations or projects, and every day I fit into my schedule activities that support my well-being. I value the well-being of myself and my family and friends above all. Some of the activities that support my mental health are, for example, physical activity, listening to music, and resting whenever I want to, not when I think I deserve it.
I also find it inspiring that I have been given a healthy and intelligent body that knows how to take care of itself. One of the goals I have set for myself is to ensure that as many people as possible would know how to support their friends, colleagues and loved ones when they have a problem. When I was battling my problems, that is what I missed the most. So far, I have provided help and support to quite a few of my friends and family members. My message to others is that no matter how strong and spirited you think you are; mental health problems do not usually go away on their own. It is a sign of strength to admit you have a weakness and need to take some time off to help. I would also like to urge everyone to research how to notice people around you that may be acting differently than usual. You never know how much good a single supportive sentence or question can do to a person suffering from mental illness.
Looking back, I am grateful that I got through this period in my life and have the courage to talk about my experience today. I am a completely different person now; I see and value the world around me in a completely different way. However, I am not angry or sad – everything that happened, happened for a reason. I hope that my story encourages at least one person to seek help for their problems much sooner than I did. It’s okay to not be okay and everyone who acknowledges that is already a winner.
Published in the youth information portal Teeviit in 2021.
